Saturday 5th August 2017

I’m currently laid on the sofa with one of Isabelles Frozen fleece blankets on me and our cat, Alfie, laying on me while watching Bridesmaids and writing this. 

Today has been another shit day, for most of it I’ve just felt like I’m not actually living, like I’m just existing waiting for life to happen. But life IS happening.

All though I joke around and seem happy, inside I’m not. I’ve had this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach for weeks, it’s like when someone you love dumps you or when someone passes away….that kind of feeling. It hurts and burns at the same time. I just wish I knew WHY I feel like that.

My highlight of the day involves Belle, she is taking part in the Margate Carnival tomorrow as one of the mini miss Margate Carnival Princesses for the day. So, we tried out some hair styles and decided on half up and half down with curls. Her dress she is wearing is a long pink one with a white furry shrug, im really looking forward to seeing the final look tomorrow, shes going to look beautiful. Once she was in bed she walked into Che’s man cave where him and Zak were on the Xbox, Che was talking to his friend called Bear so Belle walks in and says to Che ‘I told you to call him Bearton!’ A few minutes later she went back into him and said to them both  ‘can you keep it down please?’ Just like a little mummy 😂😂😂 

Once Isabelle was abit more settled in bed I got in the bath and continued reading my book ‘The Unmumsy Mum’ by Sarah Turner. For the first time ever, a book had made me cry big time. In alot of the book Sarah mentions Mum Guilt to which I started thinking of my own Mum Guilt; How I wish I could go back to Belles baby and toddler years and do things differently but with Che and not dick head, I wished I had done more for her and got out more with her, I hate how shes had to see and hear some of the things that happened when me and dick head were still together, id do ANYTHING to go back and change it all and meet Che earlier in life. I hate how I cant be normal or be the best mum to Belle like she deserves because im stuck with having Depression, Anxiety and Fibromyalgia for the rest of my bastard life. Despite trying everything I possibly can to try and turn things around, life seems to have a habit of pulling me down and making me feel worse than ever. I sort one thing out and then something else happens, yet there’s people who seem to have it all with no fight or struggle and don’t appreciate any of what they have. I just wish life would give me a fucking break and pass me some luck for a change!

I felt so much better after that cry and then talking to Che about it (I’m getting good at this talking about things now). I know there’s nothing he can do but it helps to know hes there and listening when I need him to and I do the same for him when he needs to chat about things. I think tomorrow will be a more positive day since we get to watch Isabelle in the carnival with her uncle Chris (my brother) as she didn’t want me or Che with her because she wants us to watch her (she wants to show off!)
For anyone whose interested in the book I’m currently reading, here is a picture of what it looks like if you’re wishing to buy a copy. Sarah also has a Facebook page and her own blog of the same name as the book.

‘The Unmumsy Mum’ by Sarah Turner.

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